Fake Press Release

From the producers of smash hits such as Crossroads, Armageddon and Shanghai Noon, comes the next Hollywood blockbuster, Epic Adventures in Spandex.

Featuring a star-studded cast of Paris Hilton, Oprah Winfrey, Matt Damon and Sean Penn, Epic Adventures in Spandex is an against-all-odds drama about cyclist, Mikey Glaston (Damon), who dreams of achieving MTB glory despite his asthma and lazy eye. His mother, Kirsten (Winfrey), gives up her entire life to help Mikey reach his goal as king of the MTB circuit. However, in their path is the current MTB champion, Don Frederick (Penn), and his treacherous girlfriend, Rena (Hilton), who will stop at nothing to make sure that Don retains his title.

Behind the camera is acclaimed director, Jonathan Shoo, who says, “This movie is the hardest project I’ve ever taken on, but ultimately the most rewarding. The chemistry between the actors is unbelievable in this heart-warming tale of love and sport.”

Critics have said that it will most likely suck less than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

THIS PRESS RELEASE IS FAKE. PLEASE READ THE HEADING, BEFORE CALLING YOUR LAWYER.

Marky Mark

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 27

Like the pride I felt watching Bafana Bafana play their hearts out, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Secrets and Death’, Mike knocks on Julia’s apartment door, looking for some answers. He wants to know what she wants and why she used Julian to get to him. After no response, Mike busts down the door and finds Julia on the floor, with a bicycle wheel around her head. He checks for a pulse, but it’s too late – Julia is dead! Is Days of our Mountain Bikes experiencing its first ever serial killer storyline?

Tobias completes his community service at an MTB training clinic and then jets off on holiday to get away from it all. Still, he can’t help but wonder who actually helped him avoid some serious jail time. Who is this mysterious person? Will we find out next week?

Hel-Met returns home and Petro finally meets his elusive adopted son. Diana quietly returns too, but without Sanchez who has now disappeared. Hel-Met seems to be cured of his EPO addiction and is raring to get back on the bike and win some competitions. Will Petro aid Hel-Met on his path to recovery? Or will Hel-Met go back to his old drug-fuelled ways?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

RIP Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 26

Like the elusive goal that Bafana Bafana finally scored, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Into the Shadows’, Mike follows the mysterious woman, who disappeared into the shadows. Chasing after her, she finally notices that she’s being followed and climbs into a dark blue car, which whisks her away to safety. Mike manages to find a piece of torn clothing with the branding ‘Shimano’ – there was only one person he knew that wore that type of clothing – Julia! Will Mike go after Julia? Or will Julia go after Mike?

Tobias is given twenty hours of community service and can only see his son David, under Lorraine’s supervision. Lorraine cannot believe the light sentence he has received and urges the court to send Tobias to jail. However unbeknown to her; Tobias got a mysterious helping hand from a source in the legal department. Who could this mysterious source be? Does MTB Shorts love mysterious stories or what?

Petro realises that someone is out to get him and immediately suspects his wife, Diana. But when he goes to confront her, he realises that she has left on a plane with Sanchez to go pick up Hel-Met, who has now been released from rehab. What will Petro do? Is Hel-Met cured from his EPO addiction?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Fade to another commercial on something random*

Wendy The Mom

Parody Interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger

Woot! Woot! I’m really so excited to showcase the transcript of my interview with the governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger! This all-round action hero shared some of his feelings on MTB with us*

Mark: Hi governor, thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to chat with MTB Shorts.
Arnold: No, thank you for this privilege to discuss an important matter, you puny looking man.

Mark: What important matter are you talking about? And I’m not puny – I’m just feminine looking…
Arnold: MTB is just like any other sport. You need to give 110%. I urge everyone to train harder. Failure is not an option. Everyone has to succeed.

Mark: Okay, so what would be your advice to someone who wants to become a better cyclist?
Arnold: *he flexes his arms* Get these two weapons of mass destruction right here.

Mark: But what if the person doesn’t want to gain muscle mass and just wants to cycle for the fun of it?
Arnold: Are you crazy? Who doesn’t want to have big guns? My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don’t think about it, I just have it. So should you.

Mark: Um…yeah…so next question, what would you do if you rode past a cyclist who needed assistance?
Arnold: I’d wave and say, “Haste la vista, girlie man”.

*sigh, another dumb interview*

Mark: Alrighty then, well that’s about it. Any last words for our readers?
Arnold: I’ll be back.

 

*This interview is entirely false, because we all know politicians only give interviews to Larry King and Oprah (ugh!).

Marky Mark

Image copyrighted to www.toonpool.com

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 25

Like random friend requests on Facebook, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Dangerous Packages’, Mike hides in the bushes and spies on Julian, who has met a mysterious woman outside the cycling shop. Julian gives this woman an envelope package – with contents unknown to Mike. The woman embraces Julian and then disappears into the shadows. What could be inside the envelope? Who is this mysterious woman? *Note to readers: come now, this should be easy*

Tobias appears in court on child assault charges. He pleads with the jury to understand that he acted out of anger and that any father, in his situation, would’ve reacted the same if they found out their child was *gasp* a road-cyclist enthusiast. The jury decides to postpone their decision till next week. What will happen to Tobias? Is it convenient that the decision was postponed?

Petro enters an MTB event, but he doesn’t know that Sanchez is hiding around a corner, ready to knock him out with a wooden log. Petro stops to have a drink of Energade *oh yeah, talk about product placement right there* and another rider overtakes him to his own peril, as he is knocked unconscious by Sanchez. Once Sanchez realises he’s hit the wrong man, he makes a hasty exit through the veld. Will Petro figure out that he was due to be attacked? Will he think the other rider was suffering from heatstroke, even though he had a huge lump on his head?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Fade to another commercial on the ICC Twenty20 World Cup*

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 24

Like the financial trouble the SABC are in, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Chess Pawn’, Mike and Julian start to train together. They’ve named themselves Team Freaky – it was Julian’s idea. Inadvertently, while Julian is in the shower, Mike answers his partner’s phone and hears a familiar voice say ‘hello’ on the other side – it’s Julia! Mike immediately storms out of Julian’s apartment without explanation. Is Julia really in cahoots with Julian to get Mike back or is Julian just a pawn in her game?

David’s mother Lorraine files a charge of child abuse against Tobias, who previously hit his son for being fascinated by road cycling. Apparently, ginger children can actually turn redder after a beating O_o Even so, Tobias is more disappointed by his son’s lifestyle choice than he is about the lawsuit. Will Tobias go to jail or will he do the right thing and accept his child no matter what his lifestyle choices are?

Petro comes home early and catches Diana in bed with Sanchez. He completely flips out and throws his Spanish gardener out the house. Diana tries to explain herself, saying that Sanchez was only giving her body heat because the electric blanket was broken. Foolishly, Petro believes his wife even after her 20th affair in three months. Part one of Sanchez’s devious plan is complete, but will he actually go through with killing Petro for illogical reasons – which, by the way, always form the basis of any soapie?  

*Enter jazzy music with a montage of the characters*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Fade to another commercial on the superstars of the Confederations Cup*

Wendy The Mom

Parody Interview with Cristiano Ronaldo

I recently had the privilege of sitting down with the FIFA World Player of the year and master of the step-over, Cristiano Ronaldo, to find out his thoughts on MTB*

Mark: Hi Ronaldo, thank you so much for taking the time to chat to MTB Shorts.
CR7: It’s okay. My club will pay me a large amount of money for this appearance, so I don’t mind.

Mark: Firstly, let me say that you had another great season, only just losing out the Champions League to a fantastic Barcelona team.
CR7: No. I had a terrible season. I crashed my Ferrari and there weren’t as many women around as last year! And then that little midget scored against us in the final – I’m not happy.

Mark: Uh…okay. Well, moving on to MTB then. Do you really ride? I mean as a soccer player, you can’t really afford to have accidents if you fall off your bike?
CR7: It’s fine. If I fall down, I just ask for a free-kick.

*I snickered a bit there*

Mark: Well, who’s your favourite cycling partner?
CR7: Dimitar Berbatov. We never break a sweat when we exercise together.

Mark: Final question, will you be moving to Real Madrid next season?
CR7: Depends. I work five hours a week; shop six times a day; have to buy my new Ferrari and Bentley; attend the biggest parties in the world; decide between a new house in Miami or one in Hawaii; and maybe find a new model girlfriend. The pressure is intense – I need a holiday to make my mind up.


*This interview is entirely false, because we all know that Cristiano Ronaldo hates team sports.

Marky Mark

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 23

Like the footballing lesson Barcelona gave Manchester United, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Road Rage’, Mike tells Julian he’ll be his friend as long as Julian isn’t part of one of Julia’s latest tricks. Julian assures him that he isn’t. Friendship reunited, Mike tells Julian he wants them to ride together as a team and dominate MTB circuits. Is Julian telling the truth or is he really just a lonely sod?

Tobias takes David to the museum of bikes. As they walk around, David starts to ask more and more questions about road bikes. Tobias is horrified that his son may actually be interested in that disgusting sport and slaps him. As David cries, Tobias tells him, “I’ve never been more ashamed of anyone is my life. You are not my son!” The relationship between Tobias and David seems to be heading south, what’s going to happen next?

Petro begins training again with the assistance of Sanchez, who brings him Energade and fresh towels to clean his sweat. Sanchez begins to grow annoyed with his boss’s demands, and formulates a plan to sleep with Petro’s wife – when she comes back – and then kill him (yes, it’s cliché and completely pointless…duh). Will Sanchez go through with his plan?

*Enter cheap jazz music*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Fade to commercial on funny bears*

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 22

Like Eda the primate and brothers who are actually their mother’s sister’s cousin’s fathers, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Friends Forever?’, Mike eventually comes out the closet (literally) and confronts Julian, who reveals that he’s actually Julia’s long lost twin brother. Julian explains how he got lost in an MTB race a couple years ago and nobody turned around to find him. In a heartfelt moment, Julian tells Mike that all he needs is a true friend. Will Mike become Julian’s friend again or is Julian hiding something from him?

Tobias gets concerned about his ginger son, David, who has developed an unhealthy obsession with Star Wars and model cars. He immediately takes action and invests in some old school Jean-Claude van Damme films to instil a hardcore, masculine nature in his little boy. Will Tobias accept that his son is possibly just a child and doesn’t care about masculinity at the tender age of 10?

Diana doesn’t come home – instead she travels to the fourth round of the MTB World Cup in Madrid, where she hopes to get an autograph of Steve Peat for Hel-Met, who’s still in rehab. Petro is still livid about the events that occurred whilst he was gone. He asks his Spanish gardener, Sanchez, to clean out the tool shed and bring him his old bike. Is Petro making a comeback to the MTB circuit? Will Diana ever tell her husband the truth? Can Sanchez speak English?

*Enter cheap jazz music*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Fade to commercial on the latest Dan Brown inspired film (rolls eyes)*

Wendy The Mom

My Shimano

It’s time to put a smile on everyone’s face with our latest cycling song. Man, MTB Shorts could release a CD compilation soon LOL.

Sung to the beat of The Knack’s ‘My Sharona’:

MY SHIMANO

Ooh my little pretty bike, pretty bike;
When you gonna give me some climb, Shimano?
Ooh you make my legs work, my legs work;
Gun it comin’ off the line Shimano;
Never gonna stop, no giving up;
Such a fancy bike. Always get it up for the touch
of the dirty track. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Shimano…

Come a little faster huh, ah will ya huh;
Close enough to Burry Stander, Shimano;
Keeping it cross-country gets to me;
Running down the length of the finish line, Shimano;
Never gonna stop, no giving up;
Such a fancy bike. Always get it up for the touch
of the dirty track. My my my i yi woo. M M M My Shimano…

Bandaged Jack