Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 36

Like the monkeys at Sun City, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s season finale of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Omega’, Mike, Tobias, Whitney, Diana and Hel-Met find themselves in a dark, spooky room with no light or air conditioning.

Tobias looks around for an exit, but all the windows have been sealed shut. Nobody understands what’s happening and they all stare at each other blankly.

Suddenly, a white light shines from the rafters and a voice speaks, “I am the giant bike in the sky and you are all at my mercy! Repent now, for your fate is unknown!”

And with that, a blinding white light grows stronger and stronger as they all…disappear.

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

What will happen next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes?

*Does the number 36 mean anything?*

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 35

Like the dreadful penalty-taking from Michael Carrick, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘It’s coming’, SexyShorts66 doesn’t come online for weeks, when suddenly, out of the blue, she pops up on the laptop screen and asks Mike to meet her at a secret location. Mike is reluctant at first, but when she tells him that she has an MTB gift for him, he agrees. Is this a trap?

There is still no sign of Tobias and Whitney – it seems like they’ve vanished from the earth or have they?

Diana fights off Petro with a heavy elbow to his stomach. Out of nowhere, Sanchez runs out and tackles Petro, he turns to Diana and says, “Grab Hel-Met and run! Hide in any dark building!” Diana does as she’s told and grabs her adopted son, and they run for their lives as Petro and Sanchez fight to the death. Will they be safe and what will happen to Sanchez and Petro?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter the corny ad for beer*

Wendy The Mom

Parody Interview with John Cena

MTB Shorts got some real muscle in today’s post, because we’re interviewing wrestling superstar, John Cena*

Mark: Hi John, thank you so much for chatting to MTB Shorts.
John: Cool, cool. Thanks for having me around to discuss some cyclenomics!

Mark: Cyclenomics…interesting word. So how did you get into mountain biking?
John: I always used to ride my bike to school and eventually decided to become a member of the chain gang when I had spare time over the weekends, in between pumping iron and rapping with Vanilla Ice.

Mark: Do any of the other superstars do MTBing?
John: No ways! Those guys are always on the injured list. If they just see a bike near them, they freak and drop to the floor calling for the EMTs.

Mark: But if the other superstars did join you on the track one day, what would you do?
John: I’d give them an attitude adjustment with a little bit of a 5km shuffle and then taunt them by waving my hand in front of my face and saying ‘you can’t see me’!

Mark: Thanks for your time, John. Good luck for your future battles ahead.
John: It’s ah-right. I’ll be seeing you at Summerslam in…

*I cut him off. I’m tired of wrestlers always promoting the next big PPV event*

*This interview is entirely false, because we all know that John Cena is busy putting on his makeup for Monday Night Raw right now

Marky Mark

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 34

Like the epic brain-drain that the world seems to be suffering, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Foetal Fears’, Mike tells SexyShorts66 that he’s reluctant about attending church with her, because he’s only true religion is his constant adventures on two wheels. SexyShorts66 blasts him by saying, “Leader does not appreciate blasphemy. Be careful Mike, for you may have just unleashed your own private hell.” SexyShorts66 is now offline. Will Mike change his mind?

The hillbillies burn down Tobias and Whitney’s home. When they go inside to find the carcasses, they are surprised by a completely empty house. There is nothing or no one inside! What could’ve happened to Tobias and Whitney?

Trying to overcome post-wheel depression, Hel-Met gets back on his bike. Alas he can’t go any further and he collapses into a foetal position, surrounded by a puddle of tears. Diana tries to assure him that everything will be okay and that Petro is a million miles away from them. But as she says that, Petro quickly jumps out the shadows and puts his hand over Diana’s mouth, muffling her screams. What will Petro do to Diana and Hel-Met? 

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter the terrible mascot for the FIFA World Cup*

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 33

Like the weird, conniving ways of politicians, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Cultnomics’, Mike continues to chat to SexyShorts66, who always talks about a strange church that she attends. She tells Mike that he should attend a service, because it’s a really amazing experience to see all the people chanting and doing what their ‘leader’ tells them. Will Mike go to this ‘new church’ and find the leader?

Tobias puts on his old cycling gear as a disguise and spray-paints the town hall with the words: ‘Love never dies, but inbreeders will!’ The hillbillies go nuts when they see the desecration – immediately assuming it was Tobias. They grab their pitchforks and torches, and head towards Tobias and Whitney’s home. Is this the end for Tobias and Whitney?

The nightmares don’t stop for little Hel-Met and Diana decides to take him to see a psychologist. The shrink tells them that Hel-Met is suffering from post-wheel depression – it’s a new disease that happens to burnt-out riders. The only cure is for Hel-Met to get back on his bike again and conquer his demons. Will Hel-Met be able to overcome post-wheel depression and the lurking shadow that reminds him of Petro?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter the crap new Ninja Turtles cartoons*

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 32

Like the bad ways you can choose to end a story, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘I heard you through the telephone’, Mike joins an online cycling networking site, where he meets a woman named SexyShorts66. They immediately hit it off online, chatting about the same interests and having a great fun time getting to know each other. Will SexyShorts66 turn out to be Mike’s new love?

Tobias and Whitney’s marriage is delayed after the town’s hillbillies set fire to their barn. Tobias knows that this is a message from the town that they don’t want strangers there. Will Tobias and Whitney run or will they stay and fight against the inbreeders?

Hel-Met enjoys watching the Tour de France and even manages to get some cycling tips from winner Alberto Contador. He feels content, but can’t help cringe every time he sees a shadow that reminds him of Petro. Is Hel-Met really, really safe?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter images of municipal workers kicking over dustbins which they’ll have to clean up later anyways*

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 31

Like the self-implosion of egos that Real Madrid and Man City will suffer this season, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Till the law do us part’, Mike attends Julia’s funeral and leaves a rose bent into the shape of a mountain bike on her grave. He begins to cry before he sees her ghost (yes, Mike experiences many paranormal incidents). Julia’s ghost tells him, “Go forth my love. Find a new cycling partner that’ll love and treasure you”. Will Mike heed the advice from her ghost?

Tobias and Whitney arrive in the USA ready to get married and start fresh. However, once they move into their little home, they have the unwanted attention from all the snoopy old ladies in the town. It seems like the old ladies are more concerned that they’re living together as an unmarried couple than them being father and daughter. Will this unwanted attention prompt Tobias and Whitney to move quickly and get married?

Diana runs away with Hel-Met in the early hours of the morning. She can’t bear to see Petro cause more harm on her adopted son. They quickly board a plane to France, where they plan to catch the end of the Tour de France race and throw sticks into the path of the cyclists. Will Petro follow them or is Hel-Met finally safe?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter the awesome trailer for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland*

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 30

Like annoying car-washers and security guards at the mall, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Secrets and Spokes’, Detective Moon reveals to Mike that they’ve taken Julian in for the murder of Julia. Shocked, Mike wants to know why Julian did it and begs with Detective Moon to be able to talk to Julian. After being granted permission, Mike goes to the jail cells and asks Julian why he did it. Julian coldly replies, “Because she stole my mountain bike to give to you as a present…” Does Mike feel wholly responsible for Julia’s death now? Will Mike ever be able to let go of this guilt?

Tobias and Whitney search for countries where incestuous marriage is legal and there is a good MTB trail. All roads point to dodgy small American towns, where there are only weird laws. But will Tobias be able to get a visa considering that he’s half-Iranian? Will Whitney wait for him even though they can’t have a legal marriage?

Sanchez arrives back from his holiday in Mexico and vows to Diana that he will stop Petro from exploiting Hel-Met. When he finally confronts Petro, the dastardly rich man tasers the Latino gardener into a near epileptic fit, before putting Hel-Met on a plane for another MTB tour. Can anyone save Hel-Met from the monster Petro has become?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter a report of the latest celeb on Twitter*

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 29

Like the deceitful cellphone ads that lie about full network coverage, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Finding Love in Dirt’, Detective Moon continues to investigate Julia’s mysterious bicycle wheel death. In a shocking turn of events, he discovers a set of bright pink gloves at the murder scene. He shows these gloves to Mike, who immediately realises that they can only belong to one person. Who is the murderer? I promise it will be revealed NEXT WEEK…

Tobias attends an MTB event and once again spots the woman that looks like Whitney in the distance. When he approaches her, she attempts to run, but Tobias grabs her arm before she can get away. He then rips her hat and glasses off to see who she is – it’s Whitney! They both begin to cry before falling into each other’s arms. Could this be the beginning of a beautiful incestuous relationship?

Hel-Met experiences burnout and begs with Petro to ease up on the competitions, but his adoptive father will hear nothing of it. He sees the marketing potential in Hel-Met and refuses to give up on a huge financial opportunity. Diana pleads with Petro to listen to Hel-Met, but he refuses. Will Diana call on Sanchez to stop the monster that Petro has become?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter the latest report on SABC’s financial crisis*

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 28

Like the escalating sales of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Evidence and Alibis’, Mike reports Julia’s death to the police, who immediately take him downtown for questioning. Detective John Moon plays the good cop/bad cop routine with Mike, hoping that he’ll admit to the bicycle wheel murder. However, Mike doesn’t budge because he’s innocent. Eventually, Detective Moon lets him go when he discovers the bicycle wheel involved in the murder is from a road bike, not a mountain bike! Who could the killer be? Who are you, who, who, who, who *sorry couldn’t resist*

While walking on the beach, Tobias spots a familiar woman cycling further ahead – flowing blonde locks, toned arms and slender tanned legs. It looks just like Whitney! He races over to try and speak to her, but before he knows it, she’s disappeared into the sunset. Could it have been a mirage or is Whitney back again?

Petro enters Hel-Met in every single MTB competition he can find, when he realises the potential financial return of the prodigious boy. Diana urges Petro to not push Hel-Met too much, as he’s still in a stage of recovery from his EPO addiction. Petro doesn’t care – all he sees is profit from their adopted son. Will Hel-Met be pushed over the edge or will he deliver the goods? And is Sanchez still lurking in the dust-filled shadows?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter the latest report on Real Madrid’s hundredth signing of the summer*

Wendy The Mom