Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 36

Like the monkeys at Sun City, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s season finale of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Omega’, Mike, Tobias, Whitney, Diana and Hel-Met find themselves in a dark, spooky room with no light or air conditioning.

Tobias looks around for an exit, but all the windows have been sealed shut. Nobody understands what’s happening and they all stare at each other blankly.

Suddenly, a white light shines from the rafters and a voice speaks, “I am the giant bike in the sky and you are all at my mercy! Repent now, for your fate is unknown!”

And with that, a blinding white light grows stronger and stronger as they all…disappear.

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

What will happen next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes?

*Does the number 36 mean anything?*

Wendy The Mom

Not for the faint hearted!

Alright, I have just been set the craziest challenge of all time. Fred has challenged me to do an MTB trail on a Nimbus Unicycle! Yes, you read that correctly – a unicycle.

I’m going to be honest – I’ve never ridden a unicycle in my life! But I have seen guys faceplant the pavement with these things. Possibly doing an MTB trail, may just be cycling suicide.

Bah! A few broken bones or scratches – I’m not scared :) A little bit of stunt riding never killed anyone – Well, I hope!

No handlebars. No brakes. No seat. If anyone can do it, it’s your friendly neighbourhood Bandaged Jack!

Bandaged Jack

Midweek Cycling Jokes

I’ve found some great gems to put a smile on all your faces. Forget the fact that it’s Wednesday and laugh like you don’t have a care in the world hehe…hope you enjoy them.

Cycling Dog
“I’ve really had it with my dog,” said the first guy to his neighbor. “He’ll chase anyone on a bicycle”

“Hmmm, that is a problem,” said the neighbor. “What are you thinking of doing about it?”

“Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!”

Pedestrian and the cyclist
A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.

“You were really lucky there,” said the cyclist.

“What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!” said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.

“Well, usually I drive a bus!” the cyclist replied.

Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the Alps on their tandem.

“Phew, that was a tough climb” said Jack, leaning over, breathing hard. “That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it.”

“Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on,” said Jill, “or we’d have slid all the way back down!”

Marky Mark

How to ride in a Skirt

I found this post yesterday and it’s utterly hilarious. I had to post it on MTB Shorts!

Tutorial on how to ride in a skirt:
Many women are scared to ride in a skirt. What if the wind blows wrong? What do you do when you’re going fast downhill? What if your bike isn’t a step through (which, by the way, neither mine nor Anna’s are)? Here are the tips and tricks for maintaining your dignity whilst wearing the skirt and enjoying your ride.

1. Pick your skirt- pencil skirts are never a good idea on a bike with no step through. You are looking at your skirt riding up and constantly pulling and tugging. A-lines, looser cotton skirts and mini skirts are best. Long skirts work if you have a skirt guard and chain guard (which I don’t). Dresses are also a great idea because you are not worrying about the back riding up too much and showing rear end cleavage (the worst kind of cleavage).

2. How to get on the bike-this is assuming you are riding a regular bike with no fancy step through. Step one: stand to the side of the bike. Step two: squeeze your knees together. Step three: lift your leg, keeping your knees as close together as you can. Standing on your tip toes is also a big help. You can give yourself extra protection by holding the centre of the skirt down. Step four: at this point, you should be straddling the bike. In order to keep the skirt down it is best to put one foot up on a pedal. Tilt the bike a bit and you are good to go. Do this all in reverse to get off gracefully.

3. Riding in a skirt-ride as normal, keeping your legs close to the bike (something you should be doing anyway) and keeping one leg down while the other is up during coasting moments. For going downhill, I find that standing up keeps the wind from making you less than modest.

4. Leggings or shorts really help-I will wear a pair of leggings or cycling shorts if I am going a very long distance or am at all uncomfortable. This keeps you covered AND allows the fabric to slide up nicely as opposed to bunching up and riding up uncontrollably. Also-no thongs. This is just asking for trouble. Not to mention, unsanitary. Ick…

5. Have fun-sometimes you will flash. It is inevitable. When that happens, throw your head back and laugh. It really is quite funny! Also remember that with all the biking you are doing, your legs probably look amazing so flaunt them.

This post was originally from You should also check, they have some really funny stuff online.  Enjoy my pretties!

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 35

Like the dreadful penalty-taking from Michael Carrick, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘It’s coming’, SexyShorts66 doesn’t come online for weeks, when suddenly, out of the blue, she pops up on the laptop screen and asks Mike to meet her at a secret location. Mike is reluctant at first, but when she tells him that she has an MTB gift for him, he agrees. Is this a trap?

There is still no sign of Tobias and Whitney – it seems like they’ve vanished from the earth or have they?

Diana fights off Petro with a heavy elbow to his stomach. Out of nowhere, Sanchez runs out and tackles Petro, he turns to Diana and says, “Grab Hel-Met and run! Hide in any dark building!” Diana does as she’s told and grabs her adopted son, and they run for their lives as Petro and Sanchez fight to the death. Will they be safe and what will happen to Sanchez and Petro?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter the corny ad for beer*

Wendy The Mom

Parody Interview with John Cena

MTB Shorts got some real muscle in today’s post, because we’re interviewing wrestling superstar, John Cena*

Mark: Hi John, thank you so much for chatting to MTB Shorts.
John: Cool, cool. Thanks for having me around to discuss some cyclenomics!

Mark: Cyclenomics…interesting word. So how did you get into mountain biking?
John: I always used to ride my bike to school and eventually decided to become a member of the chain gang when I had spare time over the weekends, in between pumping iron and rapping with Vanilla Ice.

Mark: Do any of the other superstars do MTBing?
John: No ways! Those guys are always on the injured list. If they just see a bike near them, they freak and drop to the floor calling for the EMTs.

Mark: But if the other superstars did join you on the track one day, what would you do?
John: I’d give them an attitude adjustment with a little bit of a 5km shuffle and then taunt them by waving my hand in front of my face and saying ‘you can’t see me’!

Mark: Thanks for your time, John. Good luck for your future battles ahead.
John: It’s ah-right. I’ll be seeing you at Summerslam in…

*I cut him off. I’m tired of wrestlers always promoting the next big PPV event*

*This interview is entirely false, because we all know that John Cena is busy putting on his makeup for Monday Night Raw right now

Marky Mark

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 34

Like the epic brain-drain that the world seems to be suffering, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Foetal Fears’, Mike tells SexyShorts66 that he’s reluctant about attending church with her, because he’s only true religion is his constant adventures on two wheels. SexyShorts66 blasts him by saying, “Leader does not appreciate blasphemy. Be careful Mike, for you may have just unleashed your own private hell.” SexyShorts66 is now offline. Will Mike change his mind?

The hillbillies burn down Tobias and Whitney’s home. When they go inside to find the carcasses, they are surprised by a completely empty house. There is nothing or no one inside! What could’ve happened to Tobias and Whitney?

Trying to overcome post-wheel depression, Hel-Met gets back on his bike. Alas he can’t go any further and he collapses into a foetal position, surrounded by a puddle of tears. Diana tries to assure him that everything will be okay and that Petro is a million miles away from them. But as she says that, Petro quickly jumps out the shadows and puts his hand over Diana’s mouth, muffling her screams. What will Petro do to Diana and Hel-Met? 

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter the terrible mascot for the FIFA World Cup*

Wendy The Mom

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 33

Like the weird, conniving ways of politicians, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘Cultnomics’, Mike continues to chat to SexyShorts66, who always talks about a strange church that she attends. She tells Mike that he should attend a service, because it’s a really amazing experience to see all the people chanting and doing what their ‘leader’ tells them. Will Mike go to this ‘new church’ and find the leader?

Tobias puts on his old cycling gear as a disguise and spray-paints the town hall with the words: ‘Love never dies, but inbreeders will!’ The hillbillies go nuts when they see the desecration – immediately assuming it was Tobias. They grab their pitchforks and torches, and head towards Tobias and Whitney’s home. Is this the end for Tobias and Whitney?

The nightmares don’t stop for little Hel-Met and Diana decides to take him to see a psychologist. The shrink tells them that Hel-Met is suffering from post-wheel depression – it’s a new disease that happens to burnt-out riders. The only cure is for Hel-Met to get back on his bike again and conquer his demons. Will Hel-Met be able to overcome post-wheel depression and the lurking shadow that reminds him of Petro?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter the crap new Ninja Turtles cartoons*

Wendy The Mom

Nando’s Magalies Adventure

Next weekend is the 3 day, multistage mountain biking race known as the Nando’s Magalies Adventure. Starting on the 14th and running until the 16th August, this event will prove to be a fun event for nature fundis and MTB fanatics alike.

The event will kick off on Friday night with a night stage of 25km, followed by a second stage of 75km on Saturday, and a shorter 45km on Sunday.

Magaliesburg is a beautiful, conservation area and I’m sure that you’ll have many mental Kodak moments after this event.

Click here to enter (entries are open until 300 teams are finalised)

On the plus side, if the race sucks, at least you can grab a mild Nando’s chicken on the way home. Which reminds me, what the hell am I making for supper tonight?!


Marky Mark

Days of our Mountain Bikes Part 32

Like the bad ways you can choose to end a story, so are the days of our mountain bikes…

In today’s episode of Days of our Mountain Bikes titled ‘I heard you through the telephone’, Mike joins an online cycling networking site, where he meets a woman named SexyShorts66. They immediately hit it off online, chatting about the same interests and having a great fun time getting to know each other. Will SexyShorts66 turn out to be Mike’s new love?

Tobias and Whitney’s marriage is delayed after the town’s hillbillies set fire to their barn. Tobias knows that this is a message from the town that they don’t want strangers there. Will Tobias and Whitney run or will they stay and fight against the inbreeders?

Hel-Met enjoys watching the Tour de France and even manages to get some cycling tips from winner Alberto Contador. He feels content, but can’t help cringe every time he sees a shadow that reminds him of Petro. Is Hel-Met really, really safe?

*Enter cheap 80s theme song*

Stay tuned to what happens next in the Days of our Mountain Bikes!

*Enter images of municipal workers kicking over dustbins which they’ll have to clean up later anyways*

Wendy The Mom