Cyclists can have Colgate smiles too!

Payday Friday! Woot! So excited like a kid with a pig! To commemorate we decided go to Bowls Club because it makes us feel like we still have payday the next day, but after an hour the fun turned stale when turned into 14-year-olds making us feel really old, so like real grown-ups we went to O’Hagan’s.

And there she was – a gorgeous, blue-eyed blonde who was anatomically not 14. Two beers later, I finally mustered up the courage to go and talk to her. To my surprise, she was down-to-earth. After exchanging inane word-speech for a long while, a jealous cave troll sat down next to her – putting his arm around her.

Because troll is anatomically not 14 as well, I spoke to both of them hoping to hide my previous intentions to save my face. We eventually got on to the very mediocre topic of hobbies. I know right. I wanted to go back to Bowls Club and have a real conversation about binging and stroh rum. Like some kind of idiot I tell them I recently started mountain biking. And then Troll goes: “Do you have all your teeth?”

I’m like “What…?”

Shrek: Well, all you cyclists are always getting acquainted with the floor often, right?

Me: Yes. “Always” and “often” we meet.

Shrek: It’s hilarious watching videos on YouTube of you guys falling over!

Me: *Coz that’s what happens. We lose momentum and “fall over” after reaching standstill.*

Troll got the last word and the girl and because of him I couldn’t sleep, because my teeth were like “shit dude, if you keep up this hobby we’re leaving”. And because they’re in my head I couldn’t sleep. Do cyclists really lose their teeth?

I phoned my dentist for the first time in 5 years to ask.

Me: Hey doc. Do you put cyclists teeth back in?

Doc: Not really. More rugby and soccer players. That shit’s messed up.

Me: Did you just say shit?

Doc: No.

Me: Oh. *weird*

Doc: If you wear a helmet and have a good mouth guard, there shouldn’t be any real problems with a minor fall. *like one where you don’t clean the floor with your pallet* The most common dental concern with cyclists is that you get dehydrated very quickly, and that diminishes your fluid and energy levels. Naturally, this means that your saliva levels will be very low. *and I’m thinking “lick your teeth. Lick your teeth”* By drinking energy drinks or eating energy bars, your teeth are exposed to more sugar, which causes them to deteriorate quicker. And obviously the jolting caused by bumpy roads has an impact on your teeth.

So now I own a mouth guard and look like this thing when I cycle:

 

Which I suppose is better than looking like this when I don’t cycle:

 

Marky Mark

PS My dentist didn’t actually say shit. I made that up so you would think he was cool. He’s not really. He’s kind of weird with his hands and doesn’t wear a mask so I can totally see up his nose. *sick*

PSS I don’t actually like Mark Wahlberg. I don’t know why I chose that name.

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